Bad Sandy

When I was in junior high, I met the love of my life. Larry.

Well, at least that is what I thought at the time.

We met at the beach. Specifically, at a youth retreat at the Sea Dip hotel which we affectionately renamed the Sea Drip. Until the renovations that took place years later, the moniker fit it precisely. But to a bunch of teenagers, it was heaven.

My sister and I were not actually a part of the youth group. My Mom’s best friend had three daughters that we had spent a lot of time with until they moved to Nashville. So when their youth group booked a retreat to Daytona, we jumped at the chance to spend the week with the girls.

Something unexpected happened that week though. I will liken into unto a Grease experience (which was my favorite movie at the time.) The “cool” or “popular” boy paid attention to me. Me! I was undeniably Sandy-esque; innocent, naive, and quite “ordinary.” And admittedly, I was caught off guard and enjoyed how quickly I made friends there– with the guys; the girls–not so much. As the week progressed, and Larry and I grew friendlier, the girls began to snub me. In fact, they even began to prank me. One night they invaded our room and threw water onto myself, my friend and my bed in the middle of the night.

Of course I would like to say that, particularly since I was at a church event, that I forgave and turned the other cheek. Yep, I would like to say that. Instead–I have to confess–I erred more on the side of Bad Sandy. While they were down at the beach the next day, one of my friends and I climbed over our balcony (I know, I know!!), shimmied over to their balcony and broke into their room. And let’s just say…we left our mark.

If you are at all familiar with youth retreats, you would know that the last night is always the “forgiveness night”. Lots of tears and hugging. That night, my accomplices and I recognized that our behavior fell short of being Christlike. And although I can’t remember if there were tears, we did hug things out. I’m not sure if Jesus was that impressed with our sincerity though. All I know was that I walked away the victor because I won the heart of Larry! In fact, we long distance dated for a few years. My family went to Nashville a few times during our relationships, and the youth group came again. Therefore, I had a few more opportunities to see these girls again. They never did warm up to me.

So what was with the Pink Lady treatment?

Honestly, I cannot speak for the young ladies, but I believe I can extrapolate a hypothesis from years of seeing such behaviors.

I threatened them.

Not me exactly, because they never did take the time to get to know me, but the addition of me and my sister to their tight group was enough to cause a small paradigm shift. Their expectations of how the week was going to go, with who was going to hook up with whom etc. was thrown. We threatened their normal group dynamics. Of course, I was clueless to all of this. I came with the only intention of seeing my friends, seeking Jesus and having fun in the sun. Yet, somehow I ended up in the middle of a huge drama.

The mere presence of something (someone) unfamiliar can incite two things: the need to protect and the desire to defend. I was a threat because I changed what they expected of Larry. He was supposed to hang out with them all week. Funny thing is they weren’t upset with him, just me. They circled up the wagons to protect their group and then began to defend themselves by reassuring me that I did not belong.

Many years ago, I had something similar happen at a church I had just started attending. God had called our family into a time of “rest” from being in church ministry, so we resigned as pastors and started looking for a church. I, personally, had never done that before– I had never been “church shopping”.

(Funny side note: Before marriage, I went to church with my parents. I met Jason in the youth group. Then, three months after being married, he became a youth pastor (YOU WILL NEVER GUESS WHERE) in Nashville. Yep. Same church as Larry and the girls! Larry was even still attending at the time. Sorry, had to digress.)

After months of going to many different churches and never agreeing, we landed at a church that caused us all to exhale. We had found our church home. The next step was finding a community of friends. Wow, that was harder than I expected. When we were pastors, people just invited us over or out to lunch. We were hot commodities. Not so much here. Not that the people were mean, they just didn’t talk to us. Truth, I actually stood in the lobby and said (quite loudly), “Somebody please talk to me!”

I wreaked of desperation. . .

. . . which probably did not help.

I decided to be more aggressive in my pursuits and asked a key woman in the church to lunch. I just wanted to know what were some entry points I could try to make friends. She misunderstood my intentions. She, in no uncertain terms, told me that she already had a close circle of friends and could not handle any more. She protected and dutifully defended her friendships.

It hurt.

I know that some of you might be shocked by her honesty. I know I was. But, honestly, I also respected her for not just shutting me out and making me wonder what was wrong with me. It wasn’t about me. She was protecting what she loved and her comfort zone. I understood that. In fact, I still admire their friendships very much. I would use any one of them as example of how to be a friend. After getting over my initial hurt, applying grace and allowing time to pass, I eventually did become friends with her and her friends. It happened organically. And if I would have shut her or the church out because of feeling rejected, I would have lost out on meeting some beautiful woman, including my closest friends now.

Am I defending “cliques” (a small exclusive groups) — particularly in church? I don’t think so. But this word has plagued churches for a very long time. When people struggle with making friends in a church (workplace, social group, etc), this is the go to excuse. It is much easier to pull this card out of your back pocket and accuse people rather than to be patient, make yourself available, “take captive your thoughts”, pray, and not covet. I have seen many sweet people turn into Bad Sandy, verbally annihilating specific people and churches because they have felt left out. Hurt. They will look at a close group of people and project a dialogue towards themselves, assuming they know what the people are talking about. These seem to be the devil’s most beloved (if he can love anything) weapons– assuming and accusing. I highly suggest that if that resonates with you, stop and repent. Allow Jesus to heal you.

At the same time, friends, we need to be more aware that our lives are not our own if we’ve accepted Christ. Absolutely foster deep, honest friendships with a few people, but don’t hide behind them. Free yourself to reach out and love other people. We all have a God-given desire for community, so when someone new enters your life, embrace them. You may not be their “best friend”, but you may very well introduce them to the person who will be. Nonetheless, you would have met another beautiful creation of God. People should never have to stand in your lobby and yell, “Somebody talk to me!” Open your eyes and your heart.

And in all truth, it’s not easy all the time. Sometimes it intimidates the junk out of me to go up to a person I don’t know and introduce myself or to ask them to lunch. I would much rather go talk to the people that know and love me. I have never meant to pointedly, but I have snubbed others for my own comfort. Now, the Accuser of the Brethren (Satan) has opened up a dialogue about me in their minds.

Do you see why churches suffer with this issue? Let’s stop the cycle. Give grace and embrace.

Finally, all of you, have unity of mind, sympathy, brotherly love, a tender heart, and a humble mind.
-1 Peter 3:8