sometimes

Sometimes writing is hard… for me, at least. Not the actual act of pressing keys, but taking the balled up mess of emotions that’s clogging up my inner bits and pulling the right start piece that causes the rest to unravel and become clear. Then to fashion it in such a way that is palatable to- well, others.

Today is one of those days.

I mean, I think they’re fairly universal. Those days you find your foot shaking under the table. When you realize that your jaw is sore because you’ve been clenching your teeth for hours. And people tick you off as they let you know it’s visible to all by asking, “Are you ok?”

Sometimes. . . that ticks you off because you know that the person is asking you in all sincerity, but doesn’t really want to, or doesn’t have the time to hear the real answer. I mean, there’s been times I’ve felt a wave of relief when someone’s answered, “I’m fine. Just one of those days.”

I mean, who has the time and patience to wait for you to tug around, figuring out where to begin unraveling?

But sometimes. . . God sends the right person, at the right time that can simultaneously “see” and “hear” you. A person with no agenda, no restraints; whose desire is to help you unknot your heart in order for you receive the nutrients of truth and allow the annual (or semi-weekly) heart-unclogging to commence.

And sometimes. . . that really sends you for a whirl because that person is not who you want or expect it to be.

It’s weirdly hard when the people that you count closest to you, aren’t the ones who see you. Honestly, sometimes it feels like they are actively avoiding me, haha. It hurts. (I laugh so you don’t see my tears. Jk.) But, truly, it can be so easy to misinterpret that feeling as the reality of them not liking or loving you.

But sometimes. . . That is God’s grace. Because you may find in your unraveling, that you have allowed resentment to build up like plaque in that little beating organ inside your chest; total resentment against those who love you. All too many times it finds its anchor in a lie straight from hell or an unchecked misinterpretation of actions. Which is why we can thank God they aren’t around right then because having that lie exposed, away from their presence, can save us from further damaging our relationship.

Because, you see, sometimes. . . our feelings are our favorite friend. We elevate them so high that they take authority over any common sense and become a jerky little dictator over how we filter everything said and done to us– or not said and done. We replace the truth with a feeling. (Which is funny that we trust them so implicitly, when we of all people know they’re emotional, willynilly little buggers.)

But sometimes. . . over a cuppa with a friend, a time of Bible reading, while singing a song that reminds you how to see or while buried under bubbles in the bathtub….
The knots become undone.
The ball becomes unraveled.
The lies become exposed.
And our emotions take their proper place. Behind the truth.

Sometimes… writing this blog is hard for me.
But sometimes, by the end, I feel free.