I admit it. The hands of time are moving me in a direction I don’t want to go. I have been resisting the best I can, but failing eyesight, greying hair, creaky bones and skin that looks like my mother’s have risen as post signs. It’s clear, I’m being directed down the path of maturity. (As long as I continue to have the humor of a nine year old boy, I will probably never be called mature by anyone else though.) The most frustrating harbinger of growing older is the struggle to stay up. Mind you, I now wake up consistently between 3:30 and 5:30am. Nonetheless, I am an old lady that can’t make it through a movie ~ in the eyes of my family. Recently, it was the Super Bowl and the State of the Union address that I wanted to see. But, alas, the z’s got me good.
However, it did prompt me to begin thinking on the state of this blog and how it got started.
On March 4, we will celebrate two years of posting on The Doorway Project. For those who have followed more recently, I encourage you to scroll down and read Shut the Back Door and O.K. (Perhaps read O.K. first so that you will get an understanding of where I was at the time.)
In light of the upcoming “anniversary”, I thought it might be fun to draw some conclusions on whether the original premise stands true, or if it was the babbling of a heartbroken, hormonal hot mess. Although I do think I was absolutely all of aforementioned, I also do believe that having “back door closed” friendships has proven, at least to me, to be a life-changing gift from God.
The essence of what the Holy Spirit whispered into my heart almost 5 years ago was this: God has a purpose in friendship; a purpose more beautiful, redeeming, and intentional than just a bud to hang out with on the weekends. It’s hard for us to enter the level of intimacy needed to achieve His purposes because hurt, failure and brokenness has trained us to look for the quickest exit out of the “friendship.” And so, opportunities for growth, forgiveness, and more beautiful things are never embraced because of fear of rejection.
This was me.
Having grown up in a stable, loving home, with a plethora of God-fearing (and fun) close friends, I didn’t really taste rejection until later in life. When it came, it came in succession. I felt run over by a truck multiple times. This was partly, maybe entirely, due to my personal struggles with intense sadness and loss. I was in a funk. A person in a funk is no fun to hang around. I felt like people should reject me.
Then, on a long weekend (semi-forced) retreat, God placed me in a situation where He controlled my narrative. He spoke to my heart and pushed some hard questions on me until I was able to tell Him what I really wanted. I wanted to be whole again and I wanted a best friend. “OK,” He said. And He delivered her in the form of a casual “friend” I had known for awhile, but would never have considered for the role of a best one. She was the opposite of me in so many ways, yet God knew she was exactly what I needed for the first cry of my heart to be achieved. Dana was my “OK.”
This May, Dana and I will be best friends for 5 years.
And we both agree that it has not always been easy. It was during one of these tumultuous times, when we were ready to throw in the towel on our friendship, that God woke me up and started speaking to me about how had He orchestrated this friendship, not me. He has a purpose and a plan and I needed to put both feet into it and not keep one out the door. It’s when the door is closed and the key given to Him that “iron sharpens iron” (Proverbs 27:17). Dana, nor I, are in charge. If, or when, this friendship ends it will be Jesus who releases us and He will be clear. Until then, we rest in the fact that neither of us are going anywhere. It’s only at this point of peace that authenticity grows.
Now, to the really good stuff: the working out of it all.
Being friends with Dana has allowed me to tackle a lot of insecurities. I sometimes, unknowingly, project them on her and she, because she is the right person for me, never allows them to hurt or offend her. She knows me. She knows my heart. With love and compassion, we walk through the awkward; hard moments. This is not easy, but we push through because the key to the door remains in Jesus’ hand. So we make the choices to see the best in each other and not wrongly judge each other’s motives. What is also great is that she is my everyday friend. We care when each other’s kids are sick. She holds my hand when I get a tattoo. She shows up in the ER. We talk on the phone in the car to make sure the other is doing alright. We encourage each other as wives and moms and, just as important, as individuals. We understand what it is like to be frustrated with dishes, laundry, sickness and spouses. Best of all, we point each other away from negativity and towards God. God’s “OK” of Dana has changed my life.
Since then, He’s also called two additional friends into this level of friendship. Hannah and Brenda. Again, like Dana, these friendships may not make sense to anyone else, but in God’s accounting they are both wonderful and practical.This blog would not exist without the vision and enthusiasm of Hannah. God used her to wake me up from a creative slumber. She saw something in me I had hid away ages ago. Aside from that, she “saw” me when I was trying my best to fade back. Having the “back door closed” has led us to many deep and probing conversations. These conversations have been full of insight, knowledge and sheer goofiness. One of most favorite things is when she says, “ I am picking you up and we are going on an adventure.” She gets me. And I her. It is a beautiful friendship, even if she is quite a few years younger than me.
Brenda is the opposite; she is a few years older than me. Since becoming BDC friends (I mean, let’s shorten it, shall we?), she has brought wisdom and a simple clarity to my life that only can come from someone who has loved Jesus for more years than me. Not a conversation goes by without her dropping truth. Often I go to her with muddled thoughts and feelings, and she nonchalantly unravels my mess. She never allows me to drown in my own misleading thoughts. I trust her because I know God has placed her in my life. She also brings a loving practicality to my life. She sees needs and meets them. This inspires me. She is the feet of the Gospel.
Here are Brenda’s thoughts on BDC friendships:
Back-door friendship is a blessing. And an honor. And a responsibility. To me, it means I have a friend that listens, counsels, advises and corrects. All in a loving and trusting relationship. I can rant. I can cry. I can be me and say what I am thinking….even if I shouldn’t be thinking it, much less saying it. And she will listen, and try to understand where I am coming from. Then help me find my way back to the person that God wants me to be. And I must be that for her as well. That’s it.
To answer my own question…Yes. Being called into God-ordained friendships has proven to be a beautiful and wildly redeeming plan of His. Let’s face it, He knows way more than us. He could have just given me what I wanted, but instead, He saw what I needed.
. . . .
I want to conclude by giving credit where it is due. Let me be real, sometimes when I hand the blog to Hannah for editing-it is a hot mess. Yet, somehow she manages to know my intentions well enough that she rebuilds something beautiful out of it. I will reread it and be in awe. I could not do this without her expertise and her encouragement. Not only does Hannah step up and save me, so does Keith. I am challenged when it comes to computers. Keith does the posting, website, and fixing of my blunders. I am blessed to have them both as partners.
March 4 I will not only celebrate the anniversary of The Doorway Project, but I get to celebrate the wedding of Hannah and Jordan!!!! Congratulations! I am sure they would appreciate your prayers as they begin this new life together.
Thank you all for your feedback, encouragement and repostings. You are amazing!!
