That’s a Big “As” Bible

That’s a Big “As”, Bible

Hurt.

When you are physically hurt, you can figure out what needs to be done: band-aid, apply pressure, trip to the doctor, ice/ice cream etc.

It happens to all of us at some point. Some hurts are bigger than others and require more attention, perhaps even surgery and long periods of therapy. Nonetheless, the pain– no matter to what degree– becomes your focus, marking each day as a day closer to healing.

But what happens when the hurt is not physical?

What happens when the people you have come to love and trust either intentionally or unintentionally become the inflictors?

As I mentioned in my post entitled “Show Up,” I had some extensive surgery done on my two big toes. Basically, I allowed (aka, paid money) for the doctor to break me in order to heal me. As I sit and write here now, the whole healing process has not gone according to plan. The pain, although different, is just as intense as before the surgery. The reason being, scar tissue has built up under my scar which, in turn, is pushing all the smaller bones out of place. As a result, the way I walk has changed. I am unconsciously walking different in order to avoid the pain. This is causing additional stress on my feet and other toes. I have now begun therapy in order to break up the scarring. Although my flesh wants to blame the doctor for allowing this to happen, the real culprit is my own body. My skin has overreacted to the trauma of the surgery and found a way to protect itself: a big scar.

Is what I described above that different from what happens with emotional trauma? I allow someone that I trust access into my life. Intentionally, or not, they inflict pain. Although I don’t want the hurt to keep my focus, it does anyway because. . . it hurts. It is HARD to see past the pain. It makes demands, so your flesh tries to deal with it on its own.

Avoidance. You compensate by placing your attention on anything else other than the searing pain. However, that is not what you are meant to do, so the other things are becoming stressed. You begin to “walk” through your everyday differently.
Scarring. Mind you, scarring is meant to be healthy. The time of healing is done. But if you are trying to numb over and cover up a festering wound, you are inviting. . .
Sepsis (local or generalized invasion of the body by pathogenic microorganisms or their toxins). Or, like my toes, the scarring is interfering with my everyday activity because it goes too deep. An overreaction to the trauma. In other words, you become a hot mess. (therapy for deep scarring/wounds is a good idea)

How, then, do you avoid all of this?

One way is to hide! Run from any relationship that may possibly hurt you! Of course, that method would completely undo the message intended through this blog.

The key is not to avoid hurt, but instead be prepared for when it comes. To clarify, that does NOT mean to build up your walls of defense.

We are flawed people doing life with other flawed people. We are bound to say and/or do something idiotic that inflicts pain on others. They become hurt. They are also flawed, so what you did will most likely be filtered through their past hurts and they often react (not respond) based on those experiences. Here lies the problem. We no longer “see” each other, we just “feel” the pain. We focus on it. Allow it to fester and become toxic. At this point, the enemy of God has won. This friend has now, in essence, become your enemy. Meanwhile, the real enemy rejoices that you are no longer growing as “iron sharpening iron.” Another Christian friendship has gangrened. The life-giving force that comes through a God-centered relationship is cut off and it dies.

Although there are many ways the Bible teaches us to handle conflict and hurt, today we are going to focus on just one: The Golden Rule:

Do unto others AS you would have them do unto you.
Matthew 7:12

This is also referred to the Law of Reciprocity. What you wish others to do to you, you do to them. Right? If you want someone to treat you with respect, then you treat them with respect. If you want others to be kind and loving to you, then you have to be kind and loving to them. If you want them to include you in their plans, then you include them. If you want others to call and check on you, you call and check on them. Do you see the potential problem here? This scripture can be used as a form of manipulation. You want something from your friend, so you will act it out for them, expecting the same in return. So what happens when they don’t meet that expectation?

Hurt.

Just this past week, three people that are in my inner circle, people that I love, adore, and would go out of the way for, completely forgot about me. Three separate occasions.. One hung up on me after going to call waiting and forgot she was talking to me. Another stood me up. And the other just was not listening, thereby forgetting plans that were made. All their reasonings were the same….sorry, I am so busy (the “B” word), I forgot.

Forgot?

My filter: I am forgettable. They do not value me, nor my time. Here is the reaction that ran through my mind (not my actual response): Well, forget you. I need new friends. These seemingly small situations, strung together, running through my filter, became the sharp end of a stick that poked my insecurities.

How do I respond?

First of all, the the word that you need to pay attention to in Matthew 7:12 is as.

as (adverb)1. To the same degree, amount , or extent; similarly: equality

I do not have the liberty to treat them any differently than how I want to be treated. Meaning, I don’t get to cuss them out, talk ugly about them, pout, scream or any of the like. How I need to treat them is the same as how I needed to treat them before they hurt me. God did not follow that scripture with an addendum. He did not say,
“. . . unless they treat you like junk, then you can go psycho on them” or “. . . unless it’s the third time this month.”

To prepare myself for the unavoidable pain that comes with dealing with people is to always treat them to the same degree, amount and extent that I would want my closest friend to treat myself. Listen, I can give myself a lot of grace when I let people down. Even if you’re “hard” on yourself, part of the human condition is our preferential treatment of ourselves. And I can defend my actions like a Harvard lawyer. We can all be way too quick to overreact in “our flesh” (thus, scarring) not knowing the truth behind the hurt. Sometimes your friend just did something thoughtlessly….don’t YOU sometimes?

Also, our filters need to removed and be replaced by the filter of the THE TRUTH: His word.

The truth, in the aforementioned scenario, is that [ I am valuable ].

I was knit together by God Himself. I am not forgettable, just placed with friends that are learning, just like me, to structure their time and learning to “see” people. The TRUTH is we love each other.

Always be humble and gentle. Be patient with each other, making allowance for each other’s faults because of your love.

Ephesians 4:2

In the Bible study, The Armor of God , by Priscilla Shirer, she writes:

“…when our mind is squared on Him, the peace of God expands within us. It stabilizes our runaway emotions, centers our minds, guides our footsteps and even overflows into our experience with others. It cools our sharp tongue, dismantles our emotional walls, and keeps us from being so difficult to be around.”