For a long span of my husband’s preaching career, we were given the absolute pleasure of having the involvement of the Triller family in our various ministries. They are a family like no other. I mean that with all the love and sincerity that I can muster– which is a lot.
God brought them into our lives as we were beginning a youth ministry in Orlando. The two older girls were involved in the youth group and the youngest in our children’s ministry. Paul and Mary, the parents, made themselves available from the very first time we met. The whole family’s desire to serve, encourage, be involved and speak truth and light has made a lifelong impact on my family. Honestly, I am using an incredible amount of restraint not to go into detail about our camps, missions trips, mime ministry, outreach to homeless teenagers, etc. This family has left a footprint of kindness and love on multitudes of people around the world. And I know I’m blessed to call them friends.
I mention the Trillers partly because I’m sure I will write about them again at some point, but also because they have a special ability.
When we get together, they all can recall (my hubby) Jason’s sermons. And not only can they remember the message itself in detail but they usually know exactly when he preached it. It blows my mind! No lie, there are times that we would get home from church and I would have to have him retell the sermon because I couldn’t remember in a span of a few hours. Yet, these beautiful “oddballs” can bust out sermons from twenty years ago!
However, there is one sermon that has impacted me for two decades that I too can still recall. One night at The Point (our youth ministry) Jason expounded on the difference between being envious and being jealous.
The terms that are often used interchangeably. Jealous, in particular, is often used to describe someone’s feelings when they want something someone else has.
“Girl, I love your outfit. So jealous!”
“I’m jealous, I wish I could have a house like that.”
These examples are, however, are closer to envy and covetousness than jealousy.
And you shall not covet your neighbor’s wife. And you shall not desire your neighbor’s house, his field, or his male servant, or his female servant, his ox. Or his donkey, or anything that is your neighbor’s.
Deuteronomy 5:21
Let us not become conceited, provoking one another, envying one another.
Galatians 5:26
Jealousy actually means: “mental uneasiness from suspicion or fear of rivalry, unfaithful, etc.”
After much research, Jason described jealousy as:
The fear of being replaced.
This simple phrase has become the litmus test to help me discern my true feelings when I am in a situation where bells and whistles are going off in my head, my stomach is churning and I am beginning to have ill feelings directed towards someone. It is way too easy to slap a label on those feelings, and claim them as intuition or discernment. It just seems like a lot of people have been hurt and relationships destroyed based on people’s “gut feelings”.
Can you truly discern if someone is bad news? Sure. But always be extra careful associating God with your feelings.
By nature, I have never been the jealous type. When Jason and I were dating, neither of us hovered over the other. Even sitting together in church was optional. So nothing changed when we got married. Except, I have to say, I was surprised by how flirty women are towards pastors. While we were in Tennessee, a beautiful woman showed up at one of our prayer meetings. She was dressed to impress, smiley, friendly and quite touchy. Bells and whistles going off! At this point, I had to check emotions. Was I afraid of being replaced? Unquestionably and surprisingly, yes. She was smart, beautiful and capable of making the guys swoon. Therefore, I sequestered myself with the other ladies and did the worst thing– talked about her. What caused me to act in such a way? Fear. I had only been married a few months, my husband was hot, and I could not compete with her. I allowed my imagination to stop trusting God and Jason. My insecurities ran wild.
The story doesn’t end there. The lady returned to the church and asked Jason for counseling. This time, I calmly sat down and discussed my feelings with Jason. I am so happy to say that he listened to my heart and reassured the stability of our relationship. He also respected and valued my feeling that he needed to proceed carefully concerning her. I could not shake the bells and whistles going off in my spirit even after identifying my own sin in this situation. Cautiously, Jason decided to meet with her and counsel. The terms he set were that she had to meet at the church/school during the hours I could be available and with the door open. After a few sessions, the lady eventually admitted that she has an issue with seducing pastors. The discernment was right, but the jealousy could have caused a mess of problems.
Fear of being replaced does not just happen in the context of marriage/dating. It happens in places of employment, church ministries, siblings, etc. One summer day I watched my eight-year-old pull away from me and his friends when we were at their pool. On the way home he told me that he hated that they sat in my lap and that he feared I loved them more.
Within the parameters of friendship, jealousy is an emotion that can destroy something beautiful, taking it to ash. Fear is never from God. It is the fuel for the fire of our insecurities. It occupies our minds, unsettles our hearts, and causes us to act and react irrationally. It will often bring a friendship to ruin without one of them not even knowing why. We need to commit to honest discussions, free from accusations when the bells and whistles go off. BUT, before that– give yourself time to evaluate if you are fearing being replaced. Don’t ever act on that fear. Trust your friend and place them in God’s hands. They don’t belong to you anyway.
But if you have bitter jealousy and selfish ambition in your hearts, do not boast and be false to the truth. This is not the wisdom that comes down from above, but is earthly, unspiritual, demonic. For where jealousy and selfish ambition exist, there will be disorder and every vile practice.
James 3:14-16
BTW…
Megan Triller and her husband Wayne Tingle are missionaries in Nicaragua. Hannah (my editor) and I had the privilege of spending ten days with them the summer of 2016. They are doing a tremendous work there meeting the needs of children so they can break out of the cycle of poverty. I am so stinking proud of them!
And they love receiving missions teams if your church is looking for a place not too far away. I am sure they would love individual support as well. (Enrichmissions.org)
Paul and Mary Triller are also missionaries! Unfortunately, I have not been able to visit as of yet. Their outreach is in Serbia. They have become a permanent part of the community and have committed themselves to loving families, educating children and sharing Christ.
The Trillers also receive teams and would be blessed by any donations. (Propelinitiative.org)
Both families have know idea I was going to be promoting their missions, but I can’t help it! They make my heart smile.
